i found a knife at the sink.
i was brushing my teeth when i saw the blade reflecting the light behind me.
it was just a small knife.
one that I’ve always used.
a standard paring knife. nothing special about it.
it wouldn’t actually stand out if you line up our knives.
just a typecast stainless handle and blade.
but just there and then, time stopped.
i just stood there for like 2 minutes.
just stood there, staring at the taunting shimmer of the metal in front of me..
i was mesmerized.
and realized something that sent shivers down my spine.
i could end this.
just one deep cut across my wrist.
my misery would end when my flesh collides with the unstoppable metal.
when my vessels are severed this pathetic dejection over how crappy my life is will be over.
just one quick slash.
i stood there, my toothbrush still locked inside my mouth.
but i couldn’t move.
the overwhelming sensation of ambivalence crippled me.
between excitement and apprehension.
between sadness and regret.
fear and the high of freedom.
then every seething hatred i feel towards myself, the world, and everything in between poured themselves out as tears.
i cursed the maid who forgot to wash the dishes as the deadlock between reality and wishful thinking crumbled.