At Work…

Hello may I speak with ______ ? (as if I have a choice)
This is ____ from DegreeSearch (a site which you’ve probably never heard of). You recently (not really) submitted your contact information over the Web (or WallMart or someplace where you clumsily gave out your personal info – a pornsite maybe) during your search for a college (or a job, a car, groceries, or tits). And I’m calling today to help you complete that process and locate a college (online and/or on campus, doesn’t really matter,I’d probably give you any name of any school anyway) that will fit your needs.

Before we proceed (throwin’ shit at each other), please be aware that this call is being monitored and recorded for quality assurance purposes (and if I don’t say this ridiculously stupid line, this lead will probably be a disqualified no matter how excellently provided what you’re looking for).

Are you currently going to school? Enrolled? (please don’t be, don’t be….)

Our service WILL HELP YOU LOCATE SCHOOLS OR PROGRAMS THAT WOULD PROVIDE WHAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR. (even if we both know that it probably won’t)

So what interests you the most in studying? (no, i’m not asking bout you’re life interests, dummy, I just need A GODDAMN COURSE)

The great thing about __________ is that it offers a lot of opportunities. (ha ha ha)

On a scale of one to ten, ten being the most motivated, how motivated are you to further your education? (LOL)

Great! That’s what I’m here for! (besides the fact that I’d rather drop this call than listen to you being so inept in life) I WILL HELP YOU LOCATE SCHOOLS OR PROGRAMS THAT WILL WORK FOR YOU!

My service is free and it will only take a few minutes (few being defined a 10-15 minutes)

So let’s (get this over with, dummy, i’m about to take my lunch!) get started in finding some good schools for you that offers programs in (wait, what did you say you were interested in?) _____. I’d like you to grab a pen and paper so you can (pretend to) write own a few things.

I’ve got a few (again, few being defined as more than to but less than infinity) questions here that will help match you up with the best (pffffft) programs available in your area (or in our database)….

Are you a US citizen? (please be a citizen, please! Please! Please!)

Have you attended any college? (or first grade for that matter?)

What is the highest level of education you’ve accomplished. (assuming you’ve finished accomplished anything at all in your pathetic existence)

What year did you graduate (survive or escape) from highschool? Or earn your GED (if you were either too poor or too stupid to finish 12th grade)

How old are you? (assuming you’re not an infant)

Which degree level are you most interested in pursuing right now? Associate’s, Bachelor’s, or Higher? (remember, if I asked the last option, I probably wasn’t listening to you from the start)

How soon are you planning to start school? Right away or in the next 2-3 months? (it DOES NOT MATTER! LOL)

I have your zipcode here as ________, is that correct?

Have you ever served in the military? (even if you just finished 12th grade and you’re probably just a few years shy of 20?)

And may I have your e-mail, please? (cos this stuuuupid Nuxiba failed to load your whole information)

OK great! Actually my search has started, and this may take a few minutes (by this time you should have an idea what “few” really means)

I have your full name as _______________ (expect me to mispronounce your full name, you have a predominantly weird, if not, exotic name)

And I have your address at ________________ (yes, I would typically mispronounce the City and/or State, yes, don’t laugh)

And the phone number that I dialed, (no, I’m not stupid, I just need to ask this question for “quality assurance purposes”, I know what number Nuxiba dialed, it’s on my fucking screeeeeen!”) is ___________, correct? Is this the best number for the enrollment counselor to reach you on or do you have an alternate phone number? (you’re on prepaid? Only have one phone? Ewwwwww poor!)

Good news! Based on the information that you have provided (and falsely entered on the entry boxes coz your info didn’t work, yeah, you’re not really qualified but since i’m in dire need of a lead, I faked it to fit the qualifications of the schools that I found), my search has located a few matching schools for you (LOL)
Let me have you write down their name.
(They are hmmmmmm, lemme see, Kaplan! Strayer! Keller Grad School of Management! Ashford! And our best seller, Colorado Technical University!)

And the final part of our service is to pass along your contact information to these schools who will call you in the next 48 hours to further discuss their offerings and help you determine if they are a good fit for you. (and to reject you if you don’t qualify for any of their programs ha ha ha ha)
Is it ok if I have a counselor from these schools call you within the next 48 hours? (crosses fingers)

Ok! (oooooooops, yeah maybe I got too excited, but can’t blame me, your my 1st lead goddamnit!) So what would be the best time for the enrollment counselor to call you? Mornings, afternoons, evenings, or weekends?

And finally, (yeah, after the final part, there is a “finally part”) I will be sending you an e-mail in the next 5 minutes that includes (nothing that would either help or interest you) some useful information as you look to further your education.
And (I STRESS) again, enrollment counselors from these schools will be calling you in the next 24-48 hours in the _______ (did you notice that? I just tricked you! Haha! They will be bugging you starting tomorrow! Not after 48 hours! Ha ha ha ha!).

Congratulations on taking this step in furthering your education. (now you can go back to your sad pathetic life being a jobless bum) Again this is _________. It was nice talking to you (yey finally). Have a great day. Goodluck! (wew ano na ulet yung pinag-uusapan naten kanina?)


About delamorte

Eherm... A boy with a soiled face who's spent 23 pathetic years trying to make a difference... An old man trying to talk his way out of his own cage... And the Seer who's trying to poise these two alter egos' rage... You won't find anything interesting enough in me to ask about my real life facts. Trust me, things will get more and more boring once you take that path. Disclaimer : These are just random rants and stories cooked-up out of boredom and prolonged stages of catatonia. Please feel free to troll/criticize my works, i am but a poor soul trying to find my way out of this miserable phase some of you call life, your critiques shall serve as my guiding light.
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