I’ve all but forgotten how comfortable the warmth was.
It has become a faint memory.
Like the white patch that ebbs behind my eyes when I close them.
It comes and goes no matter how hard I focus on it, comes and goes no matter how hard I wish to hold on to it.
I’ve forgotten how I wanted to saved.
How I loathed life because I can’t have the redemption that was right before my eyes.
I’ve lost the fear of falling, of losing grip and not having anybody there to share my pain with.
Lost the fear of screaming my lungs out and not having anybody to validate my hatred.
I can’t remember letting go.
Can’t remember how I severed the ties that bound me to that reality.
It feels like dream.
Even the aftermath feels like a dream.
I’m unable to distinguish what’s real from what’s wished.
I’ve occupied myself for far too long that I can no longer feel the emptiness.
I remember your laugh.
Those enigmatic eyes.
I remember how you listened.
How you held my hand.
I remember waking up next to you.
How you shake when I embrace you while you cry.
I remember waiting for you.
How you pull me to a kiss.
I remember not being scared because I knew I’d be seeing you soon.
How you surprise me with your sudden sweetness.
I remember your scent and how I’d hold on to it until there’s nothing left but mine.
I remember your voice.
How you pronounce my name.
I remember how you call out my name.
I remember the betrayal.
How you destroyed everything inside my comfort zone.
How you morphed everything into nothingness.
I remember the pain of you pulling away.
How you made yourself deaf to my pleas.
How you left me bleeding.
I remember how you turned hope into regret.
I remember how I waited in fear.
I remember embracing your shell.
I remember you becoming my enemy.
The unstoppable waves of anger.
The inevitable confusion at how fast the tables turned.
I remember being helpless.
I remember screaming into oblivion.
I screamed until there’s nothing more to scream.
I screamed until my voice faltered.
Until even I can’t hear myself anymore.
I can’t remember being the Seer.
Can’t remember being capable of controlling the Caged Man.
Can’t remember cradling the Little Boy to sleep.
The concept of totality is lost to me.
I am but a Juggernaut.
I am ignorant of being anything else.