I bent until I broke.
I swallowed the pain the anger the hate that seething hate until it consumed me.
But it was just too much.
I lost conciousness. It was really hard focusing on what I needed to keep myself from imploding, but it was too much. So in compensation, my brain just shut itself down.
My nerves were fried to oblivion.
I traversed minutes hours days weeks months without knowing where I was, who I was, and what I was doing.
They were like grains of sand, no matter how hard I try to catch up, they kept flowing right through my hands.
I lost…everything.

You destroyed me.
You built me up so I can be on my way so you can get rid of me.
You made me think that I’m ready to brave this forsaken place so you can run off and self-destruct.
Selfishly self-destruct.
You forgot that you were responsible for who you’ve tamed.
You forgot that this was a good thing, that at one point of your life you considered being owned a good thing.
Being mine.
You forgot that you were on your way to building a new life for you and your little one.

You missed being a wreck.
A dark side of you missed hangovers and hangups.
That dark side missed being in somebody else’s arms.
That sick dark side of you missed the thrill of being chased by someone who you think adores you.
That pathetic sick dark side of you missed being in the midst of people that gave you praises, that made you feel good about yourself.
No matter how no matter when no matter what no matter from whom, you held on to what pulled you through.
You denied contentment until it became only a queer idea.
You got tired of the simplest of things.
Every mistake I made became a fatal one.
You got tired of me.

You blindedly embraced your new-found faith in doing the right thing all because you got tired of me.
You held on to that idea because you wanted to escape.
You needed a reason.
A very convenient reason.

You slashed through the wall that separated me from him.
You never knew that you were looking at me with those old and loathing eyes he made for you.
I kept screaming out for you but all you heard was his voice.
I tried holding on but you pried off my death grip because you thought it was his that held you.

You enjoyed freedom so much that you’ve unconciously morphed it into your own old enemy, a cage.
All because you got tired of me.
All because I’m broken.
All because you got tired of using a broken toy.

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Tabula Rasa

I’ve all but forgotten how comfortable the warmth was.
It has become a faint memory.
Like the white patch that ebbs behind my eyes when I close them.
It comes and goes no matter how hard I focus on it, comes and goes no matter how hard I wish to hold on to it.

I’ve forgotten how I wanted to saved.
How I loathed life because I can’t have the redemption that was right before my eyes.
I’ve lost the fear of falling, of losing grip and not having anybody there to share my pain with.
Lost the fear of screaming my lungs out and not having anybody to validate my hatred.

I can’t remember letting go.
Can’t remember how I severed the ties that bound me to that reality.
It feels like dream.
Even the aftermath feels like a dream.
I’m unable to distinguish what’s real from what’s wished.
I’ve occupied myself for far too long that I can no longer feel the emptiness.

I remember your laugh.
Those enigmatic eyes.
I remember how you listened.
How you held my hand.
I remember waking up next to you.
How you shake when I embrace you while you cry.
I remember waiting for you.
How you pull me to a kiss.
I remember not being scared because I knew I’d be seeing you soon.
How you surprise me with your sudden sweetness.
I remember your scent and how I’d hold on to it until there’s nothing left but mine.

I remember your voice.
How you pronounce my name.
I remember how you call out my name.

I remember the betrayal.
How you destroyed everything inside my comfort zone.
How you morphed everything into nothingness.
I remember the pain of you pulling away.
How you made yourself deaf to my pleas.
How you left me bleeding.
I remember how you turned hope into regret.
I remember how I waited in fear.
I remember embracing your shell.
I remember you becoming my enemy.

The hatred.
The anger.
The unstoppable waves of anger.
The inevitable confusion at how fast the tables turned.
I remember being helpless.
I remember screaming into oblivion.
I screamed until there’s nothing more to scream.
I screamed until my voice faltered.
Until even I can’t hear myself anymore.

I can’t remember being the Seer.
Can’t remember being capable of controlling the Caged Man.
Can’t remember cradling the Little Boy to sleep.
The concept of totality is lost to me.

I am but a Juggernaut.
I am ignorant of being anything else.

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“You can be as mad as a dog at the ways things went, you can swear and curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.”      – Capt. Mike

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Queens Landing

smile, empty soul.
the siege is over.
the catapults have been folded, arrows have been pulled up from the ground.
there is no more need to man the watch towers.
the echoes of hoof beats already as faint as a fleeting memory.

smile, empty soul.
the garrisons are safe again.
the dust of battle has already settled, banners have stopped flying, crows no longer linger, plains no longer encampments.

smile, empty soul.
the white of winter has faded, and has paved way for the promising green of summer.

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The black veil

How can I forget you if I cannot bring myself to let go?
How do I let go if I keep reminding myself that it has always been you, that I have always wanted you?
How can you be the one whom I’ve always wanted if you’re like this?

How can you be like this?
How can you stand amidst all this destruction?
How can you take this?
How can you be so dense?
How can you do such things?

How can you breathe this poison?
How can you drink this bane?

How can you spout lies as if they were the very air you breathe in?
How can you fabricate stories of sorrow and misery and trap me inside the illusion of being your redemption?

How can you hold my hand and tell me I’m the best thing that ever happened to you?
How can you hold me and whisper promises of salvation?
How can you look me in the eye and tell me you love me?

How can you leave the memories?
The pain we shared?
The sorrow and misery of being not together, how can you simply forget them?

How can you leave me here.

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you are a Juggernaut.
that unstoppable force behind the immovable object.
you cannot be slowed, you cannot be drained.
i can only watch in desperation as you wreck havoc on everything we’ve tried to build.
no matter how many walls i surround myself with, you melt them with ease with that unwavering passion for destruction.
no matter how far i try to go, you pull me back to that same place where i will always suffer.
this dream.
this nightmare.
this pathetic cycle.
you’ve zapped me of the very strength you’ve given me.
i hide behind my strong walls.
i run as fast as a fleeting shadow, only to find how futile it is.
only to find myself trapped in this desolate illusion.
you are a juggernaut.
i am but a passing thought.
you are unstoppable.
i am just a helpless pilgrim.
you are indestructible.
i am but a fragile pawn in your endless game.
you are what you have always been.
that raging wave, constantly challenging the ever-crumbling shore that is me.
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My sanity on the funeral pyre

The Seer was looking at the vast valley below.
He couldn’t help but feel that old sense of foreboding as he heaved a weary sigh.
It has indeed been ages since he last saw this desolate place.
To see and be hollowed by its malicious beauty is one thing, to be reminded of how it came to be is a whole different, if not forbidden, wretched thing.
A familiar chill crept up his spine as he began his long descent.
A dreaded feeling.
Gripping tighter and tighter at his beating core.
Tearing its way into the hidden splinters of his precious mantras.
It cannot be stopped now.
No new strength could slow its inevitability.
Wrecking havoc in its path, it bellowed a frightening growl.
The Caged man has stirred.
His closed eyes whirling behind the facade of their lids.
Teeth gnashing, his breath fastens, growing deeper and deeper with each passing second.
With the inevitable crack of vision, he opens his eyes as they automatically bathe in old, seething, hatred.
His pupils dilate as he lets them adjust to the darkness of his sanctuary.
A steady stream of anger builds up in his weary chest, they escape through his flaring nostrils as visible strands of loathing.
He bellows an anguished growl.
A familiar, anguished growl.
He has stirred.
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Flashes of lightning rips the sad canvas of stars.
Crimson-veined eyes wide open, screaming pupils hungry for light.
A muffled scream escapes a gaping hole that used to be a mouth.
Pulse quickening, erratic jumps, veins bursting, spilling their contents into obscurity.
Bones breaking clashing, scattering splinters, stabbing the flesh that surrounds them.

A sad sob echoes throughout a dark alley, lulling, playing with the subtle wind.
Pieces of torn paper adorns the empty walkway, boxes of memories lay open waiting for the old hands that made them.
A sliver of light beams downwards a sad, small spot.

A doll hangs in the coldness of the air.

The Seeker walks towards the darkness.
As soon as he took his first step into the chasm, a peculiar coldness embraced him, robbing him of any warmth he had hoped to keep.
Keeping his hands inside his pocket, he walks towards the doll.
The Seeker smiles.

An old friend.

He traces the string that suspends it by the neck – black, charred, filled with the most familiar texture in the world, and filled with darkest of hatred.
A shrewed smile taunts back, buttons for eyes unsurrendering, fighting back oblivion.

“Hey there, buddy. I remember you.”, he utters while placing his hands on the name etched on the doll’s belly.
A name he loved and hated the most.

A sudden wave of negative emotions flood him, condescending, drowning him with hate and contempt – and regret.

He forced himself to a smile.
“You have pained for me for so long, yet you have earned nothing right in return.”

Slowly, he begun to untie the black string. He’s tied it with more knots than he could remember.
“Strange, maybe she tied it herself”, he thought.
As quickly as it arrived, he brushed the thought away because he knows about the potent poison it carries.

“I would ask forgiveness, and I know you’d give it without second thoughts, but we both know it wouldn’t matter anymore.”

The sob intensifies into a loud moan. Somewhere in the farthest corner of the dark, the Child stirs.

The Seeker turns around and heaves a sigh.

It is laced with fear, the kind that makes you wish everything was just a dream, the kind that washes over you after a faith-shaking nightmare.

He returns his gaze unto the being he was holding.
“He’s almost awake now, see, almost awake now.”
The Seeker feared what awaited him, but tried to focus on his task at hand.
He must finish this first. Somehow he knew that he must.

“You are free now, I could never thank you enough for what you have done, for what you have suffered in my stead.”
After retracing the stitches in every limb, after erasing the name, after piling them in a single heap upon his palms,
the doll disintegrates, leaving no trace of its existence.

Once more, he turns around and readies himself for the next encounter.

He would wish, with his first step, that he should’ve turned around and ran like hell, away from this forsaken place.

Away from this sadness, away from the memories he kept hidden, away from this solitude.

He never thought he would utter his sane lasts, never thought facing this demon would be the last thing he would do before succumbing to madness.
If only he knew, he would’ve just let his resolve falter, just this once. He would’ve kept his sanity intact if he knew what awaited him.

Somewhere else, where light flooded the world, where there is redemption, a moth escapes the palm of cruelty.
With its heart racing, it struggles to wave its broken wings.
Finally, after eons of searching for warmth in a world bereft of it, it finds home.

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Glock Hide

A faceless monster now given form.
A marionette dances on its own.
Dreams merge to become the perfect nightmare.

Teeth gnashing.
Eyes tightly shut trapping yet spilling bloodied tears.
Hands clasped upon metal bars, cold and almost frozen.
Feet stomping the canvas below, dust fly as the next becomes stronger than the last
Locks shaking, the forbidden prisoner inside threatening to break free
A low growl shatters the deafening silence
The cage thrashes, breaking the entire void’s spell of stillness

Let. Me. Out.”, the prisoner demands, each word uttered with such wrath.
Let me out and I will free you if you cannot do it yourself. You have become weak, to the point of being pathetic. The Child does not deserve this, I don’t, you don’t. He has worked hard to attain freedom, I have, you have. You know you have.”

Freedom?“, the Seeker asks, almost a whisper.
He turns around and approaches the man, stopping just right outside his cage.
You talk about freedom like it wasn’t your fault you’ve been locked inside that cage. You speak as though you did not will us to lock you up.”
He drew closer so he could grasp the freezing metal bars. The cold did not surprise him, he was far too used to it being its creator.
Do not preach me about freedom, you scum. You do not deserve freedom, you were scared of it. You hated it, you even fled from it.
To the point of crying now, he could feel a tangible knot crawling up his throat. Never in his entire life did he imagine he’d be uttering his next words.
And so did the Child. You both are cowards. Hiding inside your own fortresses and letting me suffer freedom. You both let me roam on my own and only come to my aid when you could’ve both went right by my side. Do not jest me, prisoner, I’ve had enough comedy to last a few lifetimes.

The Prisoner comes to his zenith of hatred. He breaks one bar and grabs the Seeker by the neck.
He could break it easily. Just one quick snap. If only he’s not bound to its owner.
Instead, he drew the Seeker close enough for him to speak at his ears.

I will get you. One of these days when you’re weak and alone. I will get you. You keep that inside that empty skull of yours.

He eases his grip and withdrew his hand. After what seemed hours, he turns around and walks to the farthest and darkest side of the cage, eyes glowing red, it pulses down and let it close for the last time.

The Seeker stood unfazed.
He stood there like nothing happened, blank eyes following the Caged man as he fuses with the darkness.
He knew this would be the last time he’d be facing his oldest enemy, and his best friend.
Slowly, he turns his back on him for the last time and whispers the words he never wished for anyone, especially him, to hear.

You fail to grasp reality, my love. I am no longer here. I have faded. I am gone.

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Matou. Matou. Where art thee?

my shooter.
save me.


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